There is a growing awareness of the importance of mental health care in NCAA student-athletes; however, there is still a lack of acceptance to the topic. Encouraging current student-athletes to be open and willing to talk about their mental health is what Kya Enos of the University of Maine softball team aims to do with her platform.
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    Before I tell you my story, there are a few things to remember. Remember that my story is only one out of millions of others, and each person's story is unique. Not only do I hope that telling my story will help others, but I also hope that it will help me with my process, as well. Now, of course we all know someone who "has it worse than us" and those who "have it better". With that being said, YOUR story is still important, just like mine. Your story, what you have been through, or how you deal with it does not make you weak nor does it define you. For a really long time, I saw myself as weak. I thought that those around me would think differently of me solely based on what I have been through and how I've dealt with it. Telling your story is not a pity-party for yourself. As hard as this was to write, I've learned that being truthful and vulnerable have been crucial parts of my healing process. Over time, I have found strength in accepting my journey for what it is and what it will become. I encourage you to do the same.Â
          Just like everyone else, I've had my struggles and tried to learn to accept them for what they were, and still continue to be. One thing that I didn't seem to struggle with was my sport, not until college at least. Like many other athletes, playing sports became my outlet for just about every emotion possible. My freshman year of college, my mental health took me away from the sport that I had given myself to for over 15 years. There were days where the only thing I could do was get out of bed. Then it became skipping class, dreading practice, making bad decisions, or not wanting to do anything that involved being around other people. I can't tell you how many times I asked myself "what is wrong with me, why do I feel like this?". The scariest part was I didn't know and couldn't seem to figure it out. For a really long time, I tried not to notice it. Thinking that maybe if I didn't acknowledge the way I was feeling, that it would go away. Little did I know that doing nothing would end up making it worse. Soon, I did anything I could to escape my thoughts - whether it be sleeping, drinking alcohol, partying, or taking pills. At this point, I was willing to do whatever it took to make it stop, even if that meant me not being here anymore. One thing I didn't do was ask for help. I was failing classes, not playing on the field, and didn't even know who I was anymore. I eventually told myself that if I did not ask for help, my days on this earth were numbered.
Truthfully, the only thing that kept me alive was the thought of my friends and family having to deal with the pain of me no longer being here, wondering what they could have done differently. After finally asking for help sophomore year, I went to see a neuropsychologist with the help of my athletic trainer. From hours of tests and talking, I finally figured out "what was wrong with me". My sophomore year of college I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder, learning disabilities, an alcohol abuse disorder, and ADHD. At first I was terrified and sometimes still am. I spent hours thinking and analyzing what these "labels" meant and what was to be done about them. Shortly after, I started going to therapy to help treat the Borderline Personality Disorder and the alcohol abuse. In the beginning, I hated every second of it. It was so emotionally draining and exhausting. As the sessions went on, I realized that the more honest and open I was, the more my therapist was able to help me. Most of the healing I continue to do is from my childhood, emotionally and physically abusive relationships, and things that come with BPD (impulsive actions and decisions). Most importantly, I have realized that there are so many people who have similar struggles, some maybe you can even relate to.
           I was fortunate enough to have the support of my teammates, coaches, trainers, and my mom. It does not mean that everyone else does has a support system. Some of the people closest to me still don't know my story. Like I mentioned before, I hope to find healing and to reach at least one person. There's no doubt, there are still days I struggle. There are still urges to self-harm, abuse pills or alcohol, escape reality, or go back to relationships that weren't healthy. However, I have come too far to stop now. I continue to go to therapy, ask for help when I need it, or just take a day to myself. Healing is not a journey that's meant to be walked alone. There is always someone who will listen, always someone who cares, and always someone who wants to help. My story and my healing is a work in progress. I've come a long way, but I still have a lot to go. I have so much more to accomplish and so much time to become the girl I've always dreamed of being. My mom has always told me that dealing with your demons is one of the strongest, most powerful things that one can do, and I am a full proof of that. I was able to find my love for the game again. Poured myself into my academics, as I made the Dean's List the past two semesters. Remember that the world is a better place with you in it. Although the journey may not be easy, it is yours and you WILL get through it. Be kind to yourself.Â
To my teammates, coaches, trainers, friends, parents, and those of you reading this, I will never be able to thank you enough. You are the reason I'm here today.
-UMaine-
